Month 3 (weeks 9-12):
Oh man.. month 3. No offense but you were the worse. Not cause of anything I was going through physically. My body has been really good to me throughout this pregnancy and month 3 was cool cause I started noticing a bit of a belly and things like that but in terms of my mental state.. it was chaos. I was working a lot, trying to keep with school and a bunch of other personal stuff. My stress levels were at an uncomfortable high and I felt like every thing in my life was in limbo.
To top it all off I didn’t like my doctor(s) .. ya I tried 2, and wasn’t impressed with either. The first was this young, unexperienced (well at least I judged him as so) guy that I did not feel comfortable delivery my child with AT ALL. The second was a recommendation from my friend and she was aiiight but I was disappointed with the way she expedited our visits. No joke I was in and out of her office in 8 mins top. She never asked me if I had a birth plan, any preferences I had in terms of pain relief, anything. That and she was very big on giving commands rather than encouraging informed decision making for example she ‘commanded’ me to get the flu shot without discussing any of the pros or cons with me or even getting a sense of whether or not I felt comfortable getting the flu shot. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t it’s cause SHE in particular is a bad person that’s just how the conventional medical system works. I knew that but didn’t have much of choice cause I was still on the waiting list for the birthing centre in my area and I didn’t feel comfortable going without any medical consulting, this being my first child and all.
Also I felt stressed cause well .. FIRST TRIMESTER IS STRESSFUL! I felt good and confident about my pregnancy but left, right, and center I was being warned about miscarriages or other complications and I was hearing stories that just made me feel so anxious. All these warnings and fears made me close up and I felt like I should keep my pregnancy a secret from the world. In retrospect, I really know that’s not healthy.. in fact I think I’ll write a post about support in the first trimester one day. I get why society and the medical world suggest keeping pregnancy to yourself for the first 3 months but the seclusion, particularly when you’re a single mama, isn’t healthy. And let’s say I had complications in those first few months.. who would be there to support me? would they know how? There’s so much taboo around it all that we aren’t even equipped to help each other out in this very sensitive time in a mama’s life. For me it brought up a lot of frustration. I felt frustrated that people keep scaring me with their stories rather than celebrating this blessing with me. I felt frustrated that I had to keep my joy to myself (my close fam and friends too but you know what I mean). I felt frustrated that all these warnings were getting in the way of me enjoying my pregnancy. And I felt especially frustrated with myself cause deep down I kept fearing that because I’m single, black and young, the universe would take this baby away from me.. as if who am I, especially on my own isn’t worthy of such a gift. (I’ll expand on this in a future post)
All that to say I was grumpy during month 3, which started to trigger these intense headaches that I had never felt before and I became extremely sensitive to smell like I couldn’t stand the smell of anything! Now this was probably all due to pregnancy hormonal shifts but I think my mood also played a big factor cause as soon as my stress levels went down, my body calmed down as well and I had a clear head again. Once I realized this, I knew I had to changes my ways in order to stay healthy for baby boo and myself… luckily the weeks to come were much smoother.